


i am thinking it must be love

by apiculteur



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, jared is trying his best. theyre all just trying their best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 06:36:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11225346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apiculteur/pseuds/apiculteur
Summary: So, maybe Evan Hansen was in love with Connor. So, maybe that realisation terrified him. So, maybe he ended up having a panic attack because of it all. That was okay. It was all fine as long as Connor didn't find out.(Or, Evan realises he's in love with Connor, and by then, it's just a matter of time until he finds a way to fuck it all up. He always does.)





	i am thinking it must be love

**Author's Note:**

> i promise u that not all of this is a letter, there just happens to b a two-page long letter at the start okay.
> 
> also this is inspired by a scene in the best show to have ever blessed this earth, the get down, where these two characters r like: 'have u ever been in love' _once_ 'how did it end' _it hasn't_ n that scene changed my life my sons r so in love w each other buT lmao this story kinda takes it into a different context this is nothing like it

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today has been a weird day. It’s been weird because you’ve been thinking about Connor a lot and you’ve realised that things have changed._

_Like, the first time that Connor spoke to you properly was when he shoved you to the floor after Jared was a dick to him, and you didn’t really care because_ Zoe Murphy  _was there and she was talking to you and you were just really fucking shocked that she was speaking to you, and then you were freaking out because you said nothing, which is pretty normal for you but. But, yeah, when you first met Connor, you didn’t really think about him much._

_The second time you met Connor, you were printing off one of these lame-ass letters you write to yourself (you need to stop doing that in the library) and Connor was there and he picked it up for you. The second time, you paid more attention to him. It was kind of weird seeing him not angry, because he always looked angry, like he was just waiting for someone to say something mean about him. He signed your cast, and you were blown away by all the contact, but mainly because you were weirded out about talking to Zoe’s brother and you weren’t used to contact. Not that you are now, either. You’re still bad at contact. But he touched you a lot when he handed you your letter back, which made you breathe kind of fast because of touching, but it was nice knowing you might have a friend._

_You still had that big, dumb crush on Zoe back then. You didn’t realise it when you stopped having a crush on Zoe and got a crush on someone else. Back then, you were too caught up in Zoe to notice it, but you got another big, dumb crush on another Murphy._

_It’s terrifying. Not because you have a crush on Connor, because that was inevitable after he showed you that he could tap dance. No, it’s terrifying because it’s so much more. You’re in love with him._

_Love is such a massive word. Jared always said you were in love with Zoe, and whenever you denied it he said you were lying to yourself, but you really were telling the truth. You didn’t know anything about her, but you knew that. There’s no way to be in love with someone you’ve never spoken to. She’s nothing like you thought she was, but she’s still sweet. Just not the person you had imagined her as, so it ended up hurting every time she did something that your idea of Zoe would never do, and eventually you came to the conclusion that you didn’t feel that way about her._

_And, apparently, that you_ do _feel that way about Connor._

_You’ve spoken to Connor loads. You know he’s hurting. You’re learning how to see the signs of when he’s getting mad, and what will piss him off more, and what will distract him enough to calm him down. You know now that he likes to dance and that he finds it hard to trust people but he trusts you enough to perform a short tap routine with no music, hair in his face and a nervous little smile on his face when he looked up at you, because you started grinning and clapping a couple of seconds in. You know that he loves his dad, really, but it hurts him to admit it because he no longer knows whether his dad loves him. You know that he likes to write in all of his books and underline words he likes or phrases he can relate to._

_The reason why you are so afraid is because you really, really know Connor, so you’re really, actually in love with him, not like a joke, or an illusion, but real love._

_It hurts, because there are times when you’re afraid of Connor. Or, no, you’re never afraid of Connor, because you trust him more than anyone else, and you know by now that he’s far more likely to take out his anger on himself than anyone else. And that’s what you’re afraid of, really. You’re afraid of the things Connor might do to himself the next time his dad brushes off one of his cries for help. What might happen if he gets caught up in a particularly low mood when he’s home alone and you’re not near your phone._

_You promise him that you’re best friends, that you love him, need him, would do anything for him, will never find him a burden. And, yeah, it makes him smile even when he’s sad, but he smiles like he’s apologising because he’s sure he’s about to disappoint you, and because you can’t fix him all by yourself. You are not a solution or a cure. There is only so much you can do, and becoming a therapist- or even convincing Larry that Connor needs one- is not within your capabilities._

_Sometimes, that crushes you, and once, your mom had to clutch you close to her chest as you thought about the round burns you saw on Connor’s skin, the expression on his face when he noticed you staring, the blunt answers he had given, as if it was nothing. Blank and emotionless, in a forced way. You didn’t tell her, but she had enough of an idea. She rocked you and whispered that all you can do is promise to love him and listen to him, and the rest is up to Connor. You felt like a baby, but she was right. It will only hurt you both if you try to make decisions for him._

_That’s part of why it hurts that you’re in love with Connor. The other part is because of something you’ve known for a lot longer._

_People leave you. You’re average looking, awkward, and the biggest loser in school. There is very little going for you. The fact that you’ve recently become actual friends with Jared, even if it’s still a bit tentative, is meaningless. Now you have two friends, and Alana talks to you sometimes, and Zoe says hi to you in the hall because she thinks you’re a good influence on Connor. You are also in love with one of those friends. You are used to being a nobody for a reason, and they will all leave soon. You’ll go back to like it was before._

_So, look. Even your dad left. Your mom- no matter how much you really, really do love her, you’re a burden to her. She tries her best and she hasn’t left because she can’t. If she left, you would have been disowned by both of his parents, and therefore homeless. So she’s hardly ever around and you know that if you weren’t there, she wouldn’t have to work so hard, and she would be able to come home to a peaceful house, instead of walking into the living room to see her son curled up on the floor, sobbing._

_In the end, you’re a burden, because you always have panic attacks and no matter how calm you are, you still take five minutes to say one word because you stutter all the time. Even when, miraculously, someone likes you, you ruin it by worrying too much and convincing them you’re not worth it._

_That’s why it’s so terrifying that you’re in love with Connor. When he found out you had a crush on Zoe, he was disgusted. This? This would be worse. You can’t lose Connor, not when you’ve managed to improve and make a friend, at last._

_So all of this feels pretty huge. That’s why you spent so long writing this all down in a letter to yourself. It doesn’t feel any less scary, but it feels more real. You’ve only had one little panic attack over this so far. So just don’t tell anyone and maybe it’ll go away? As long as Connor doesn’t find out, it’s fine. As long as Connor doesn’t leave._

_Please go to sleep now, you’re so tired._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

* * *

 

Connor came over after school so they could do their homework together. It was a habit they had picked up because Evan hated being alone all day and Connor often got pissed off at homework and needed help calming down.

A mess of books surrounded each of them, meeting together in the middle of Evan’s kitchen table. They had been working for half an hour or so, and Evan was grateful for the distraction. Even before he had written the two-page-long disaster of a letter to himself, Evan had known he felt something for Connor, because when Jared touched him, it never made him heat up like he did when Connor grabbed his wrist or brushed past him.

Now that he knew, now that he was burningly aware that he had too many feelings swelling up in him which might spill out at any second like red hands at a crime scene, Evan didn’t know how to act. There was no point in ignoring Connor, because it would end up upsetting them both, and he doubted it would help him get over it anyway. Talking to Connor about it was out of the question, and a total joke. If Evan had stuttered and hyperventilated his way through telling Connor that he was bi, admitting his feelings would be worse.

There was the sudden sound of a pen hitting paper, and the creak of wood. Evan jumped, looking up to see Connor leant back in his chair, having given up on homework. “I hate chemistry. I wish I had some fucking weed,” he muttered.

Without wanting it to, Evan’s expression must have let it slip that he didn’t approve.

Connor rolled his eyes and started flicking through one of his textbooks. “I haven’t smoked in two weeks now.”

He didn’t say it loud and proud, like the achievement it was. He said it under his breath, almost like he didn’t want people to know. As if he was ashamed, either because he didn’t want to break down his tough-guy image, or because he was afraid of Evan knowing that he had managed to make a difference, or because he still didn’t feel like he was good enough.

Whatever the reason, Evan grinned at him and told him, “You- you’re doing so good. I’m really proud of you?” He said it like a question, worried that it would sound fake, or too intimate, or condescending.

Connor did not smile back, but he looked warmer, staring down at his paper as he began to scratch down answers in pencil. “Yeah, well, you’re improving too.”

The tone he used made it seem like an insult, but Evan knew he was still working on being emotional.

“You write those letters to yourself and you answered the door the other day when I hadn’t even texted to say it was me,” he continued, voice making its way towards something softer and fonder, something he had stopped hiding as meticulously.

Evan hunched into himself and played with the corner of his notebook. All of his work ended up messy and crumpled from his obsessive fiddling or shaking as he wrote. “Th-thanks.”

Connor kicked him under the table, getting him to look up again. “You _are_ Evan. I’m. Proud of you too, okay?” he insisted, not quite keeping eye contact the whole way through. He snorted. “Look at us two, the picture of good mental health, right?”

Evan laughed. They both knew that, no matter how much they improved, they would never be that. He liked seeing Connor happier though, no longer taking his anger out on himself as often. He hadn’t stopped, but he was trying. Both of them had poor coping mechanisms, but they were working on it.

 

* * *

 

Somehow, it was Jared, of all people, who worked it out.

They were playing some video game in Jared’s bedroom, but Evan had taken a break to reply to a message from Connor.

“Texting your boyfriend?” Jared asked, and Evan muttered that he was texting _Connor_ , thanks.

Jared paused the game, ceasing the rapid sound of button-smashing that was ever-present during fights.

“Really, though,” Jared said.

Evan locked his phone and shrugged. “What?” Jared made no sense, sometimes.

“I mean, really Evan, are you and Connor dating?” he asked, perfectly casual, serious.

“No! N-no, we’re not- we would never, of course, of course not? What are you even asking?” His words were too rushed, too desperate.

“Oh-kay,” Jared drawled, looking unimpressed, then becoming uncharacteristically softer. “But, like, you’re into him, right?”

“Wh-why would you even say that I’m straight I had a crush on Zoe- why would I date a boy, I don’t think I understand- I just like girls!” By the end of the sentence, he was left breathless, glancing between the door and the floor and the bed, anything but Jared. He was getting increasingly unconvincing. He needed to get Jared off of his back or he’d start freaking out.

“Evan. Dude, seriously,” he sighed, “no one cares that you have a crush on Connor. I’m bi. Connor’s probably gay. You’re probably bi… It’s no big deal.”

For a few seconds, Evan was so consumed with trying to deny he was anything but straight that he missed the rest of what Jared said.

“W-wait. You’re… bi?”

“For real, Hansen?” He looked bewildered, as if it was _Evan_ who was being confusing and dropping bombshell after bombshell. “I talk about hot boys all the time.”

“I thought you meant as friends?” he protested. Which. Yeah, no straight boys did that. To be fair to Evan, he had only recently come to terms with his sexuality, so his perceptions of what could and could not be classified as reasonably heterosexual were still skewed.

After a long pause of staring, Jared deadpanned, “You’re hopeless.”

Accepting of his fate, Evan nodded along miserably.

“So. Connor?” he asked. “Tell me, what is it about the Murphys that makes them so irresistible to you?”

Evan whipped his head around as if, suddenly, Connor would jump up from under the bed, proclaiming that this was all a ploy to make Evan admit his feelings. “P-please, d-don’t tell him,” he begged.

“I’m not _that_ much of a dick,” Jared said, snorting.

Really, Evan knew that. Jared teased him a lot, and used to be too mean sometimes, but he was making an effort to improve. “Sorry,” he mumbled, hoping it would communicate all of that: his guilt as well as his gratitude and pride.

“Yeah, whatever. Pick up your controller so I can kick your ass.”

Evan did as he was told. Well, he tried not to let Jared kick his ass, but Jared played the game far more often than Evan did- the odds were not in his favour.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Evan,” Jared called, walking up to him as Evan tried to make his way out of school. He looked twitchy, and sounded like he had been running to catch up. “Your boyfriend threw a chair across the classroom and left school ‘cause Mr. B caught him sleeping in class.”

Evan frowned, choosing to ignore the boyfriend remark in favour of worrying about Connor. It was his fault: he had kept him up late with a panic attack over the crushing emptiness of space and his future. “W-where’d he go?” he asked, pulling out his phone to check for texts.

“I dunno, man. I think he was too busy telling the teacher to go fuck himself to mention it, really.”

A message came through from Connor, asking to meet up in the forest near the school. “Nevermind,” he muttered, turning quickly to go find him.

By the time he got there, Connor was already half-way through a blunt and pretty high. He didn’t stop when Evan sat down next to him, but Evan didn’t expect him to. It always sucked to see Connor going back to relying on old coping methods, but he understood. There were worse things he could be doing than getting high on weed.

For a little while, he tried to talk about it, but Connor was tense under his questions, so Evan switched to remaining silent and jittery. It was Connor who made another effort to talk, filling the fresh air with smoke like a thick, rising mist.

“That’s a lapwing, right?” he asked, leaning his head back until it made contact with the tree they were rested against.

Evan glanced around and tilted his head to listen to the bird calls. “Yeah,” he agreed. He wasn’t super into birds, but he knew more than most people thanks to a brief phase in middle school and spending a lot of time with the trees. More than remembering the names of different birds or facts about them, he liked searching up common bird calls and trying to pick them out from the noise. It grounded him, reminded him where he was and what he was part of. It was after he mentioned that to Connor, in passing, that they had first gone to the orchard together.

They wasted time away talking about birds, looking up at the branches above them to try spot some, until Connor asked if Evan’s day had been less shit than his (slightly). Conversation shifted to how he had actually spoken to his mom last night and he had felt closer to her than he had in a long time. She had told him about his dad, how he had acted when they were teenagers, and though she had a fond look in her eyes, Evan couldn’t comprehend them ever being in love.

“I mean,” he sighed, “I, like, it’s not like he’s, um, horrible? Like, he’s not _mean_ or anything, he just. He’s never there. He’s, well, a-an asshole. It just doesn’t make sense?”

Connor nodded idly, blowing out the last bit of smoke before stubbing out the blunt in the dirt. “He’s a selfish dick and your mom could have done better than him.”

Evan nodded his head enthusiastically, and Connor smiled like he was proud. When they first met, Evan had defended his dad’s actions. Now, there was no contempt, but he had a newfound acceptance that his dad chose another family over him and they would never be a huge part of each other’s lives. However it all happened, his dad had left his mom and fallen in love with a new woman.

“H-have you ever been. Y’know. Like, in love?” He regretted it as soon as he asked it. Before he even finished the question. He didn’t want to know the truth. He wanted Connor to turn around and confess that he was in love with Evan, and there was no chance of that ever happening, for so many reasons. It had just been on his mind constantly ever since he came to the conclusion that, yes, he was in love with Connor Murphy. He shouldn’t have brought it up.

As he waited for an answer, panicking, he glanced up to meet Connor’s eyes, and found them staring straight at him, as if he had been waiting for Evan to look up. He seemed deep in thought, pupils encompassing almost the whole of his iris, ink spilling into that clear sky blue, and he said, “Once.”

The word sent shockwaves through Evan’s whole body. He really thought he knew that one, really thought he would get a firm no, maybe even a laugh. Not once had Connor ever spoken about a crush, or complained about being lonely, or any of the whiny shit that Evan always did. He hummed along if Evan complained about being single, interjected with mutters of, _‘Bullshit,’_ if Evan got too self-deprecating. Evan never managed to turn the conversation around onto Connor, so he had figured Connor just wasn’t interested. He couldn’t even imagine what Connor would be like if he was dating someone.

(Except, he could. It turned his stomach, but he had formed a clear image of it: the arm he would proudly swing over his partner’s shoulder, the way he would turn his head to grin at them. Still sarcastic and a bit mean, but careful to steer clear of anything that would actually offend, tense and self-loathing and apologetic if he ever misjudged, only a little ashamed of how touch-starved he got when he was tired or recovering from some kind of episode. He would be exactly like how he acted with Evan, but he would be with someone less fucked up than him.)

“H-how did it end?” he asked, because as much as he ached from the thought of it all, he was curious. Evan wasn’t even completely sure what Connor’s sexuality was.

“It hasn’t.”

“W-w-w-what?” he stuttered, and he hated being surprised too much, hated that he couldn’t get out the words no matter how hard he tried. He sounded like someone doing a caricature of a stutter, and he tried to ask Connor what he meant, who it was, when it had started, but he could see Connor’s face close off. It was no use.

Face flattening out, Connor closed his eyes, back to the tree, and ignored Evan’s questions. “I’m going to sleep,” Connor told him, holding Evan back from spiralling down into a pit of dark thoughts.

“Wh-what? I- you’re just, uh, you’re gonna sleep in- in the woods?”

Connor cracked open an eye to look at Evan and said, “Not if you’re gonna keep me awake by talking.”

Evan protested the arrangement until Connor conceded that, yes, Larry would be really mad if Connor missed the family dinner because he was sleeping outside, so they walked home in silence, Connor too fuzzy and tired to notice Evan’s turmoil. He said his aching goodbye, and went home to lie in bed and think.

 

* * *

 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_You were supposed to keep quiet about your feelings for Connor, but now Jared knows and Connor probably does to. It doesn’t even matter if Connor knows anymore, because he’s in love with someone anyway, and he won’t even tell you who._

_You asked him who he was in love with because you were too damn caught up in what you wanted him to say, you didn’t take the time to think how it would feel if he told the truth. Here’s the truth that you’re so afraid of: Connor isn’t in love with you._

_For a second, he stared right at you with your faces close and his eyes looked ready to slip closed, but his pupils were still wide wide wide and open, and you tried to ignore it but you couldn’t stop thinking that, maybe, possibly, he would just humour you and tell you that he loves you. You got sucked into this universe you imagined, one where Connor’s pupils were dilated with lust rather than as a side effect of the weed, one where he had lips red from kissing instead of red eyes._

_One day, you should stop hoping. That should be your goal to work towards. Stop screwing good things over by wanting too much, okay? You thought you managed to snuff out your hope, but you didn’t, there was still enough of an ember left to leave you choking as soon as Connor doused it out with his words. You should have known._

_You hide whenever someone knocks on the door. You cried last week because the phone rang when you weren’t expecting it. You never do anything without spending hours agonising over every possible outcome, and you’ve covered so many of Connor’s clothes with tears and snot during all of your breakdowns, and you curl into yourself, and you’re small, you’re so, so small, and Connor is huge, he’s towering above you, high up in the trees with his sunshine smile beaming down, and you can never touch him._

_Because Connor says he’s fucked up, and you get why he thinks that, you do. He’s angry more often than he wants to be, and he hurts a lot- sometimes other people, but usually himself- and he tries to push people away when they get too close and he does impulsive, reckless things. You know all of that, but you still know that you’re the broken one, and you still can’t stop loving Connor with your whole self._

_Somehow, Connor hasn’t left you yet._

_Except, right now, it feels like he has. Connor has some unrequited crush that he hasn’t uttered a single word of to you, his supposed best friend. Or, even worse, maybe he’s dating them. Because love is a big word, it’s a lot, and Connor is careful about these things, so he probably wouldn’t say he was in love unless he was dating them._

_So Connor has a secret relationship behind your back because he doesn’t trust you enough. He’s got a reason, right? You’re in love with him and you have panic attacks over the dumbest shit, he’s trying to protect you because he knows that if he tells you that he’s dating someone else, you’ll have some massive freak out and he’ll be the one who has to pick up the pieces, like you always make him do. Kind of like what’s happening right now._

_Really, you should be thankful that Connor is even friends with you. Take what you can get, he’s already giving you more than you deserve._

_Sincerely,_

_Me_

 

* * *

 

Evan did not, as he had suggested to himself in his letter, take what he could get. Instead, Evan had worked himself into a worse mood, all the way up to a one-sided fight with Connor, one Connor didn’t even know about. If Connor didn’t trust him, had lied to him for who-knows-how-long, thought Evan was too weak to handle the truth- well, he could leave Evan alone.

He did his best job at being bitchy with Connor, ducked away when he tried to sling an arm over his shoulder, gave one word replies to everything Connor asked, felt a twisted sense of pride when Connor frowned with concern, hurt. It was dampened by the guilt, but this was Connor’s fault. He was the one who decided that Evan couldn’t be trusted.

Besides, wouldn’t Connor’s crush, or secret partner, or whatever, get upset if they saw Connor buddying up so much with someone else? He never got so close with anyone but Evan. He had put a hand on Alana’s shoulder once, but had quickly decided it was weird and retracted it. Perhaps, he touched the person who he was in love with all the time, when Evan wasn’t there to see it.

He made up an excuse to get out of walking home with Connor, and didn’t reply to anyone’s texts when he got back to his own house- later than usual, because he had to stick around in the library, waiting for Connor to get enough of a head start so that they wouldn’t bump into each other.

It carried on for another day, their friends unsure how to respond.

“Hey, Ev, you and Connor get into some lovers’ fight?” Jared joked half-heartedly. He knew better than to say that when Connor was there, too, but Evan bristled nonetheless.

“W-we’re not dating!” he hissed, tensing.

“Uh. Okay. Sorry,” Jared said, slowly. “But did- did you two get in a fight or something? Because I don’t wanna get involved in this, but it seems like Connor feels bad about it and wants to apologise.”

Vaguely, Evan recognised that Jared must be trying pretty hard to be a good friend if he was doing a semi-emotional talk, even making an effort to get them to resolve it.

“Just- whatever,” Evan muttered, shaking his head. He quickly walked away to avoid further discussion, and he heard Jared sigh but there was no attempt to stop him. Good.

 

* * *

 

By the end of the day, Evan was pretty upset. More at himself than Connor, he realised, but he didn’t want to talk about it regardless, so as he heard Jared approaching, he prepared himself to say, no, he couldn’t do whatever it was Jared wanted him to do, he needed to go home and mope.

“Evan,” Connor said, and Evan spun around to face his voice.

Not Jared, then. Connor. Who was walking straight towards him, with far too much purpose for Evan’s liking. He hated when people walked like that, because he never knew what to say or do, and that always amplified whenever he was around someone who was so sure of themself.

“Can we walk home together?” he asked, and Evan glanced around, entirely unsubtle.

“Uhhh,” he mumbled, trying to think up an excuse. His body failed him so often. His palms were getting sweaty.

“C’mon, Hansen, your excuses are bullshit. We need to talk.”

As much as he wanted to dodge the talk for as long as possible, he knew there was no way he could get out of it, save for flat-out running away. He liked to think he was more dignified than that.

(It was tempting, but Connor could run far quicker than him.)

They ended up walking in silence to the woods, back to where Connor had told him he was in love with someone. It was quiet there, out of the way of prying eyes and ears, and Connor looked furious as he faced Evan.

“What the fuck is this, Hansen?” he asked, and Evan couldn’t help but hunch into himself and fumble for words, because he didn’t want to do confrontation. He knew he led them to this by not communicating. He always told Connor that he needed to get better at communication.

Connor began to pace around, a hand to his forehead as he growls, “Oh, come on! You know what this is about.”

Evan nodded. “You said that you're in love,” he mumbled.

“Fuck, so that really is what you’re bothered about?” He laughed, but Evan had never seen him look so betrayed. Shattered, because it had taken so many months for them to get here, to reach a point where they both felt safe around each other, and Evan screwed it up.

Evan couldn’t say anything.

“Yeah, whatever. I was high as fuck, Evan, I wasn’t thinking straight.” At this, Connor laughed again, still with no mirth. “Well, sorry that I was dumb enough to actually believe you wouldn’t hate me for it. You’re such a fucking child, you know that? Just because I- I fucking _like_ you doesn’t mean I’ll jizz everytime I put my arm around your neck! I’m sorry I’m not Zoe, Evan, but if you wanted me to back off, maybe you could have done some of that shitty communication you’re always fucking talking about.”

Evan- he had to take some time to process. None of what Connor was saying made any sense, not unless Evan had fucked this up even more than he thought he had.

“You’re not even going to reply? God, I don’t know why…” He trailed off, shaking his head, and Even knew, he knew Connor was shutting down more and more, because he was getting close to tears, the hot angry hurting type.

“You. You like me?” he asked. It was, of course, the absolute worst thing he could say after Connor’s speech, as evidenced when Connor stopped pacing to glare at him, arms crossed tight.

It sunk away, the anger diluting as exhaustion seeped in. “Do you want to make me admit it again? You really that much of a sadistic fuck?”

Evan shook his head and rushed to explain that, “N-no, no! I- I, I didn’t know. Look, when, the other day, when you told me y-you were in. Love? I thought that you were hiding something, like you were lying to me? You didn’t like me? And so, so I got upset, and I got mad, and I started acting like a- a complete dick. And, yeah! I didn’t communicate, I should communicate, I always tell you to communicate. So I’m just. So, so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Connor, I didn’t know.”

It was all exhaustion now, Connor’s shoulders dropping into a lower kind of tension as he gave a firm nod of his head. “Okay,” he said. “We can forget this all happened then.” In Connor’s head, Evan knew he would be screaming at himself, beating himself up as he went cold.

He reached for Connor’s wrist, got hold of it with no struggle from Connor. No reaction, no emotions.

“I. You know that, um, I kind of like you too?” He felt like he was in middle school, except he never admitted that to any of his crushes in middle school. Or ever.

It did not get the response he had wanted. He was met by narrowed eyes and a pissy, “Look, I’m not that fragile, you don’t have to lie. Let’s just forget it, okay?” He always did that. Acted angry to hide the hurt. For a while, he had stopped doing it so much with Evan, but things had become messy once again.

So, to fix it, Evan Hansen, dumbass of the year, decided to do something impulsive for once in his life and kissed Connor.

Only, the thing is, Evan was really nervous and he moved quickly in an attempt to stop himself from over-thinking it, and it wasn’t like he had ever kissed someone before, so it didn’t work out as a kiss. It was more like he had rammed his face into Connor’s and hurt his nose in doing so.

Connor looked incredibly creeped out, which was probably an acceptable response to the situation. “Ow!” he said, touching his face. “What the fuck?”

If there had ever been a time to run, it was that exact moment. His face felt so hot, like sunburn all over, and he had been sweating the whole way through the conversation, but he had finally reached a peak. It was not pleasant. And his breathing, God, his breathing was so weird, and there was no point in trying to retract his actions. Running was the best option, definitely.

It must have shown on his face, because Connor grabbed his wrist and put a hand on Evan’s cheek. He was very slow and gentle as he leant in, and it was softer, and Evan didn’t have a clue what he was doing, but didn’t last long enough for him to think too hard. Then Connor’s lips were no longer on Evan’s, and if it weren’t for the lightest beginnings of a blush on Connor’s cheeks, Evan might have convinced himself it didn’t happen.

“Um. That- I liked that,” he whispered.

“We can do it again. If you want,” Connor said, and started walking, back to making their way to their own homes, a normal day.

They stuck closer than usual, though, bumping into each other because of it. A couple of streets from Connor’s house, he slowed his pace, and Evan matched it, giving him a curious look.

“I’m gay. By the way.”

Evan laughed. Not a polite laugh or a chuckle, but one that made his stomach ache and tears form in his eyes, made him have to stop walking and clutch his chest. It shouldn’t have been so funny, but Connor had confessed his love for Evan, a man, right before they kissed, and proceeded to promise more kisses. And, well, Evan had always gotten a strong vibe from him, which he had dismissed as wishful thinking, despite Jared’s encouragement. But, no, Connor was just very gay.

Connor punched him in the arm and told him to knock it off, but it was half-hearted enough for Evan to barely feel it, unlike the little smile that Evan couldn’t get his eyes off.

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first story ive finished since,,,, november '16. i need to get a grip.
> 
> thank u for reading this tho!!! connor murphy has done nothing wrong in his entire life ever and i love him!!!!


End file.
